By Huck Tickler
Jake McKinley’s holler rang out from the “zipper” ride over the noise of the County Fair crowd, as only the holler of a 15 year old High School Rodeo champ could. He was flanked by his buddies Cal and Tom, and the excitement of winning the All-Southwest Calf Roping competition, together with a few bottles of illegally acquired beer, had Jake’s inhibitions down and his Irish up. He and his buddies had been flirting with the girls, trying their hand at the midway games, and hitting the rides at a county fair just over the border from their New Mexican home. They were in Texas, enemy territory as far as they were concerned, and were going to raise as much hell as possible while they were there.
Jake walked with the self-confident swagger that only a teenager can muster. Already a strapping 5’10”, he had yet to lose the raccoon mask of freckles and oversized extremities that betrayed his age. Missing one of his front teeth from when he was twelve, he purposely wore his most tattered jeans and FFA shirt as a sort of redneck chic. But Jake wasn’t the brightest boy in the world, and his buddies knew it. Cal and Tom felt that their pal needed to be dropped a peg or two, especially now that he was starting to lord it over them because they hadn’t placed in their rodeo section competitions. They had a plan.
The boys maneuvered their friend toward the stock judging area, where there was also a number of local amusements set up such as the usual “ducking” booth, hoop shoot, and kissing booth.
“Hey, looky here Jakey…” said Tom, “check this out!”
Jake glanced over where Tom had gestured. There, next to the “kissing booth” was a wooden bench over which a banner proclaimed;
“PIKE COUNTY FAIR-TICKLING BOOTH! Only 25 cents a minute!”
Seated on the bench, a teenage boy was laughing hysterically, as his big feet, locked in stout wooden stocks, were feather quill stroked by a pretty girl, wearing a sash that read, “MISS LONE STAR”. Jake recognized the laughing boy him as Eric Masey, a champ bronc rider from Texas. Cal looked over and nudged Jake,
“Gosh, Jake, look at that, man…I’d love to have her tickle me, I reckon…”
Jake squirmed nervously, “I reckon not…I’m too ticklish fer that, I’ll tell ya! Why hell, I think it’d drive me crazy before long.”
“Nahhh” said Tom, “I mean…everybody says that they’d go crazy if somebody could tickle them for what seemed like forever, but I don’t reckon they would, do you?”
“Shoot, I would. My feet are purty tough, but I knows when my uncle and cousins used to hold me down and tickle my feet, gosh, it got me to screamin’ sometimes!”
Tom gave Jake a serious look. “So you mean, Mr. Rodeo Champ, that you couldn’t take even a few minutes in there, with your dang feet getting tickled like that?”
“Yeah, Mr. tough-guy”, chimed in Cal, “what’re ya chicken?”
“Naw…jes’ ticklish, I reckon!” said Jake, shrugging his shoulders.
“Yeah you are!” Tom started making clucking noises.
“NO…I…AIN’T!” said Jake, emphasizing each word with a punch to Tom’s shoulder.
“I dare you, Jakey!”
Jake’s eyes blazed.
“Yeah, and I double dare you…” said Cal.
Jake’s nostrils flared and his cheeks turned red. It seemed, the two boys had hit Jake’s “hot” button, and they knew it. As long as they had known each other (and that had been since they could walk) Jake had never been able to turn down a dare, he just couldn’t. Sometimes it’d gotten him into trouble, but generally he was able to make good on all the challenges that had been presented to him by his pals over the years. And this didn’t seem like…well, all that terrible. Jake figured he could stand settin’ there for a few minutes, `sides which the ticklin’ gal was mighty pretty, and maybe he could ask her for a date or somethin’. He looked at Tom.
“OK, OK, shitbreath…I’ll do it, c’mon!”
The three boys sidled up towards the youngster who was receiving his “money’s worth” when they arrived was being released from the stocks by his friends. He had a noticeable bulge in his pants, and his buddies were grinning and laughing as he grabbed his tennis shoes and socks and started to sprint off in the direction of the mens’ room, still barefooted.
Jake glanced back and forth from Tom to Calvin, and then resigned himself to his fate. As he got closer to the bench, he saw Miss “Lone Star” was actually a real pretty girl, she was really pretty, and Jake could start to feel somethin’ a’stirrin’ in between his legs already. She looked at Jake, and he grinned nervously, “Wellll…another taker already eh? Come closer honey and let me take a look atcha, mmmm, a cowboy, so few of them around here”, she laughed at her little joke. Jake didn’t get it. “How much you in for, cutey?”
Cal and Tom shoved two bucks each in Jake’s sweaty fist.
“Awwww…c’mon fellers, that’s gonna be fer dang neah…”
“Only 16 minutes son, you can handle that, can’t you?”, Miss Lone Star said with an evil grin.
“AH RECKON!” said Jake, shooting another icy glance at his two compadres, who were giggling between themselves.
Jake sat on the edge of the tickling bench, and started to pull off his boots. His feet had swollen from the hot weather, and they were tight. Miss Lone Star suggested that she might give him a hand, and he flopped his legs in her direction. She pulled his right boot off as he held onto the back of the bench, and then his left.
“OK honey, lets get these feet locked up here. I hate to do it, but you guys kick so much, that it’s the only way to keep you under control” she said, laughing.
Jake settled himself into the bench, his back against the wooden seat, his knees drawn up slightly so his ankles would lay across the bottom part of the stocks.
“My name’s Jennie, what’s yours?” she said, adjusting his position.
“J..J..Jakley” he said nervously.
“Well Jakey, we’re gonna have ourselves a good time here. So just relax.”
She swung the stocks closed, locking his ankles in place. Jake swallowed hard as the hasp on the padlock snapped shut and Jennie slipped a steel lynch-pin through it. Then Cal and Tom assisted her in wrapping a length of rope around his arms and wrists, and then tying it off. He couldn’t escape now, even if he wanted to, so he resigned himself to his fate.
Jennie sniffed, and wrinkled her nose in mock disgust as she looked at Jake’s sweaty, dirt-stained socks.
“Gawd…what’s that smell? When was the last time you changed those socks of yours son?”
Jake smiled, “Oh…Tuesday I reckon”, he said with an ever widening “shit-eating” grin.
“Tuesday! And today’s Saturday! Well we’ll have to do something about that…a little later.” Then Jennifer shook her head and mumbled exasperatedly, “…cowboys”.
She reached down and slowly pulled off his socks, one by one, holding up each sock between her thumb and index finger, like it was a small animal in an advanced state of decomposition. Then, Jennifer looked closely at Jake’s feet. They were about a size 12, well-formed and wide with nice arches. It felt good having his boots and socks off, it being so hot and all. The tough skin of Jake’s soles betrayed many summers spent barefoot. His toes were knuckly, and long, the big toes longer than the others. He was wiggling all of them nervously.
“Mmmmm, well Jake, they may be a little dirty…but what nice feet! No athletes foot I see.”
“Heck no,” Jake laughed, “I ain’t never had any rot on them dawgs! Comes from goin’ barefoot alot, I reckon.”
“Well that’s good. Now lets see how ticklish you are.”
Jennifer reached over and picked up an intimidating looking turkey feather. As she brought it towards Jake’s right foot he clenched his teeth. She started to stroke the soft end slowly across his instep, and he jumped, trying to pull his foot away. Soon he started to giggle.
“Oh gosh, hehehmmhahahhahaha…, that does tickle now, but it kinda feels good…”
“Mmmm…well how about this?” Jennie let the feather glide up towards Jake’s toes, and brushed it back and forth across the spot where they attached to the ball of his foot.
“Ohhh…ahhh.hahaha..my that tickles..hahahah…my toes are a bahahaha..bad spahhahahaha spot, whew, gosh..”
Jennie was now letting the feather dance all along his foot. Jake would laugh and giggle, and she noted where the really sensitive spots were. Then she decided it was time to up the ante. She reversed the feather and started in on him with the quill end. He started hollering, “Ohhh…nooo. HAHAhahahhHAHA, not the sharp end, pleeeeheeheehahaha, ah cain’t take thahahahahaha, come on, pleeheeheeheeze..”
“Please what, Jake? Please tickle you in between your toes?”
“NOOOO…come on..” The quill scraped the skin between his big toe and second toe.
“HAHAHAHAHA..YAAAAHOOOOO…HAHAHA…NOOOOO…PLEEEE.HAHAHA…”
Now Jennie let the quill run all along the length of Jake’s big ol’ feet. He screamed and laughed, squirming and wiggling, begging for mercy and wailing for relief, but it didn’t come. Jennie managed to keep him laughing hard for nearly ten minutes, with little breaks in between to recover his composure. Then she looked at her timer,
“Well Jake, only about 6 more minutes to go.”
“That’s six too many, lemme outta here.” he said with a grin.
“No, not yet. You need to be taught a lesson, according to your friends over there,” she nodded towards Cal and Tom, who nodded back.
“Those rat-bastards, they set me up for this whole thing, huh?”
“Well, in a way, I guess they did…I mean, who ever heard of a “tickling booth” before? This whole thing was arranged by the Junior Rodeo Association for you “champs”.
“Son of a bitch…”
“Watch your mouth young man,” Jennie said with a frown. She glanced back at his feet, “or I’ll wash it out with soap.”
Jake smiled widely.
“I reckon your mouth’s not the only thing that needs cleaning up at that, these feet could use some serious hygiene, I think.”
Jake started to look nervous again. “Whaddya mean?”
“Well, you farmboys think its sooo cool to go without bathing, right?, so you can gross each other and your girlfriends out, huh?” She tickled his foot to emphasize her point, and he jumped and laughed. Then she picked up a small packet. It was a “moist towelette”. She ripped it open and wiped over his foot and in between his toes.
“That don’t tickle” he said with relief.
“Oh, I know, but that’s just for starters. Now we’ve got to loosen all that dead skin and dirt.” Jennie reached over and grabbed something. Suddenly Jake saw it was a TOOTHBRUSH!
“Oh NO!!, COME ON, NO, DON’T!!! Not a DANG TOOTHBRUSH!!!”
But it was too late. She brought the brush up to his toes.” Lets start with these big ol’ stinky redneck toes of yours…”
The brushing started, at the base of his toes and along the lengths of them. Jake was hysterical, “HAHAHAHAHA…YEEEEEEHAWWWWW…AHH..HAHAHAHA, PLEEEEEZE, JENNEEEHAHAHA…STOOOOPPPPPP!!! PLEEEEZE!!”
“Please what, brush in between your toes a little harder?”
“NOOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHA!!MAILEXCITEOOHAHAHAHA”
“Now lets start with a little `repeat after me’ lesson. Jakey, are you a dirty little cowboy?”
“Yesssssshahahaha, HAHAHAHA, yesshahahahaha, little…hahahahahahhah…. cowbohahahahahahahahaha!!!!”
The brushing started to move along his instep.
“And you promise to start being cleaner, like a grown-up man?”
“YESSSSSS!!!HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I PROMISE!!!HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
“And you’re going to change your socks…mmmm…every other day?” (Jennie didn’t want to ask for the “impossible.”)
“YESSSSSSS!!!HAHAHAHAHAHA!! I PROMISE HAHAHAHAHAWAHHOOOO, HAHAHAHAHA..YESSSS..HAHAHAHAHAHA.”
“Yes what?”
“HAHAhahahahaha…I prohahahaha, I promise to chahahahaha….change them EVERY DAY, HAHAHAHAHAPLEEZEPLEEZEHAHAHAHA. I’LL CHANGE EM EVERY DAY, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
She started to brush along the entire length of his foot, while tickling the other one with her fingernails. “And will you be more polite to girls from now on?”
“YESSSSSSS!!!HAHAHA…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!”
“OK, I believe you. And whaddya know, your time’s up.”
Jake breathed a big sigh of relief. Jennie unlocked the ankle stocks, and Cal and Tom came up and smacked him on the back and cuffed him while they were undoing his ropes. Tom and Cal thanked Jennie, and they all laughed together as they were walking away. But then Jake glared hard at the two boys and said,
“Well, jest you two skunks remember…payback’s is a bitch!”
The three teenagers spent the rest of the evening enjoying the fair and laughing about Jake’s `adventure”. They finally decided it was time to go home, and they wandered off in the direction of the parking lot. As they reached the edge of the lot, Jake begged off to make a call home, and said he’d meet the other two at Tom’s truck.
The drive home was uneventful, and Jake asked the two boys if they wanted to spend the night at his folks’ ranch. They nodded in approval.
The driveway was a long 12-mile dirt track, and the boys raised an enormous dust into the night sky as they drove down it. The truck pulled up in front of the house, and the three piled out into the night. Jake’s cousin and uncle were there to greet them, when suddenly, everything went BLACK!
Cal and Tom knew that someone had thrown feedsacks over their heads. They could tell from the smell of moist grain and burlap. As soon as the sacks were on, they were wrestled to the ground by unseen hands, and their wrists were tied together behind their backs. More coils were thrown around their arms. Likewise, their legs were fastened at the knees. Suddenly they were jerked up by the ankles, and their boots and socks were pulled off, and more rope was wrapped around their ankles. It was useless to fight back, the McKinley’s were a strong bunch of rednecks, and damn good cowboys. Cal and Tom might issue an “ouch” or “hey, not so tight” every now and then, but the complaining was held to a low roar, probably because they knew they deserved whatever they got. Jake said, “OK, let’s get `em over to the barn.”
The boys were half-dragged, half-carried for what seemed like forever, every rock and rut they hit producing an “ouch”, a “hey”, or an “ummphh”. Eventually they stopped moving. They could hear the soft lowing of cattle. Tom and Cal suddenly felt their ankles being jerked up in the air, and securely tied to something hard and cold. Then someone grabbed their big toes, and what felt like a plastic rod or tube was taped between them. Before long they noticed a wet, tickly sensation as a stream of liquid was running down their big toes, in between, and slowly drizzling over the soles of both of their feet.
A voice said, “OK Jake, they’re all yours,” and the barn door closed.
Tom turned towards the noise, “C’mon Jakey, take these dang hoods off us, we’re suffocating!”
“Oh shit…sorry guys, OK.”
Jake jerked their hoods off. He should’ve left them on, because the boys now saw the full scope of their predicament.
Their ankles had been secured to a metal rail in the “bum” barn (motherless calves), about three feet off the ground. High above, hanging from the barn rafter, was a calf feeder bottle, filled with about 4 or 5 gallons of milk. Their big toes had been taped together with silver duct tape, and a tube connected to the bottle was jammed into the tape in between their toes. The milk was dripping all over their feet, along their ankles and down their legs.
“C’mon Jake, this dang milk is gettin’ all over us”, said Cal, exasperated.
“Oh, we’ll take care of that right now” said Jake, with an evil grin.
Jake walked over, and released a latch on the far wall. He went inside the gate there, and led two small calves to the boys’ feet. As soon as they caught wind of the milk, they started sniffing, and hungry tongues flicked out.
“NOOOO…Jake, get them calves away, for chrissake!!! They’re gonna lick…”
But it was too late. The wet cow tongues covered the entire length of long, warm strokes. It was the most severe tickling sensation they had ever felt in their young lives! Cal started screaming and laughing, “HAHAHAHAH…NOOOO….MAKE EM STOP!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..NOOOOO..PLEEEEZE!”
Tom echoed, “I CAIN’T STAND IT HAHAHAHAHA PLEEEEZZEEE!!!! HAHAHAHA…JAKE!!! I CAINT STAND HAVIN’ MAH FEET LICKED!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA…NOOOO…HAHAHA!”
Tom’s calf started to follow the milk down his foot, and began to gum and suck his heels. This was one of Tom’s “panic” spots, and he literally started levitating off the ground in spasmodic jerks, he was literally screaming with laughter now. “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. JAAAAYKEE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! PLEEEEEEZE..HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”
The boys squirmed and writhed, their backs on the ground. But their ankles were tied fast, and they couldn’t move their feet away from the greedy, licking, tickling tongues. Up and down, back and forth the wet tongues stroked and lapped, from toe to heel, instep and out. Cal screamed, “JAKE, for Chrissakke!!! I’m gonna PISS MYSELF!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, MAKE EM STOP, AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Calvin started to buck his hips up and down, laughing and screaming the whole time.
“PLEEEEEZE, JAKE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, PLEEEEZE!!!! I’M A-GONNA WET MY PANTS!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…” Tom yelled.
“You ain’t a’gonna do nothin’! You dumb-asses! You got the best bladder control of any two morons I know, and `sides which, I made sure you both got a chance to piss `fore we got home, remember???.”
Tom looked at Jake, desperation in his eyes, “JAKE, hahahahahahahaha, REALLY!!! I AM GONNA… HAHAHAHAHA, PISS MYSELF, HAHAHAHAHAHA HA, PLEEEZE, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!”
“No you ain’t, that’s not if I can help it…”
Suddenly as soon as it started, the licking stopped, as Jake pulled the two calves away from the boys’ feet. He pushed them towards a second corral, and went back to gate where he got the first two calves from a few minutes earlier. He returned with two new calves and Tom looked at him wide-eyed, “Awww, please Jakey, no more!!!!”
Jake looked down at the two breathless teenagers. “Well guys, I promised pop that we’d get these bums fed before we went to bed. They get 2 pints each, that’s a half gallon for each pair. Now here’s your problem. You can lay there quiet, and that milk will drip nice and slow, so the calves will lick it up, NICE AND SLOW…or you can jerk them big ol’ toes of yours, and the milk will run out faster, which’ll make them little cows lick you all the faster. Now I reckon that’d tickle worse, but it’ll get the job done quicker…its up to y’all…”
Jake let go of their tethers, and the two new calves started licking, renewing the boys’ screaming and hysterical laughing. Jake looked at the two helpless jokers, “Now you two already done fed the first two. I reckon the last 8 should only take you…hmmmm, another hour and a half, maybe only 45 minutes if you jerk them toes, I reckon…givatake…”
The two rascals looked at Jake, and then at each other and together they screamed, “FORTY FIVE MINUTES!!!! OH NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”